I KNOW, RIGHT. One time I was at a coffee shop reading The Idiot IN RUSSIAN (yeah okay it was an abridged version for people who don’t speak Russian very well, but still, fuck you I’m smart) and a man asked me what it was and then talked for five solid minutes about how Dostoevsky had supernatural spiritual insights and could perceive “auras” and I was like, first of all, Dostoevsky was a virulently conservative Orthodox Christian and would totally hate your fluffy Buddhism-for-white-people bullshit, but also, THAT IS NOT WHAT AN EPILEPTIC AURA IS. JESUS. It’s a creepy word. Pronounced “Tee-ought-walk-ee,” it sounds like the name of some horrific gooey humanoid, but it has a lot to do with “climate weirding,” really. I mean, how is it possible that the same people among whom I see so much sociopathy are able to work together with sufficient competency as to produce electricity or maintain a degree of potable water? Albeit, this is not entirely the case in places such as West Virginia or Pennsylvania where flames come out the tap because of frakking. So. In honor of the July, 2012 Boy Scouts of America vote to once again exclude gay scout leaders and queer boy scouts I am starting QUEER SCOUTS OF AMERICA!! We don’t need their stupid merit badges for learning to start a fire without matches, we’ll be busy learning the ways to find our strength and pride in beings sissies. While the boy scouts are busy pitching tents in mosquito infested woods, we’ll be learning the proper technique to applying REAL glitter to our nails, a trade secret handed down from drag queens of yore. We will appear at shopping malls across this magnificent country with our QUEER SCOUTS OF AMERICA fundraising tables selling nail polish, glitter, makeup and special edition QUEER SCOUTS OF AMERICA GO-GO BOOTS!! And with that money we will BUY EVEN MORE nail polish, glitter, makeup and special edition QUEER SCOUTS OF AMERICA GO-GO BOOTS!! And we will keep raising money to buy even more until the makeup, glitter and go-go boot factories keep producing as much as they can, UNTIL AMERICA IS FILLED WITH GLITTER AND MAKEUP AND QUEER SCOUTS OF AMERICA GO-GO BOOTS!! We will SHOW THEM AND WE WILL ECLIPSE their mean-spirited, evil Christian association of American boys with their BORING handkerchief scarves and Swiss army knives! They said: I’m having a little trouble understanding you. This PDF here says and I quote: … hmmm … ventures to map out the triumphs and treasures of the Brightest City on Earth from its marshland beginnings to its current hydrochloridization of long-gone epochs and foreign metropolises in a complex of buildings – duh duh duh, skipping ahead – weaving new recreation history into a sinuous maze of sensations, Sieg & de Gagnant will overturn / perfect the Brightest City on Earth as a towering miniature of itself, converting all expectations into a wide-eyed sense of wonder and wonderment. OK. Right. It’s just that, uh, how do I say this? Just, uh … What does that mean, exactly? They said: Gotcha. Ooooh, gotcha. Gotcha. Ooh, ho, ho. They said: Hot damn if I don’t – this is going to be big. Jumbo big. Bigger than the, theeeeeee uh, shit, I don’t know, that uh, that sailing opera house in Sydney? Or maybe even than that that that radio tower in Paris? Don’t you think? Can anybody confirm this?
[Note: Sources: The Bookbat, “I KNOW, RIGHT. One time I was at a coffee shop …”, at The Bookbat, 19 Jul 012; John Olson, “Teotwawki Blues”, at Tillalala Chronicles, 19 Jul 012 (Teotwawki (pron. Tee-ought-walk-ee) = The end of the world as we know it); JBR; CA Conrad, as quoted in “CAConrad, Head Scout Queen of America”, at Harriet, 19 Jul 012; Shane Anderson, “Multiple Places, 2013”, at Everyday Genius, 2 Jun 010]